Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Bring Out Your Dead

I know it's incredibly cliche to talk about the previous year and all it's trials as the new year begins. Normally it's a little like moving to me, or redecorating. I pack up all the old crap. Throw some away. Reevaluate the place and usefulness of the things in my life. I empty out space for the new. I spend time gazing upon the freshly cleared space and contemplate just what might make a home in those vacant areas. I get a little excited, daring to plan just a wee bit, that is until the good ole cynic in me starts screaming "Shut up" and sets things aright.That's the normal routine. This year I feel like I have been through a bout with the plague.

I don't want to rearrange anything. I don't want to sift through anything. I don't want to just throw those useless things out. I want to burn them like bodies full of disease that can't even be buried. I feel contaminated.  I want to burn it all up and start over. 

 There's been some rough patches, though honestly I have faced worse in the past. I cannot understand where this feeling is coming from. My life, i.e. my emotional self, is chaotic right now. Why it is more chaotic than normal, who knows. However, I am learning that my education, growing, changing, and journey to really be me will never end. I like that. I could do without some of the lessons but I know the end result would change and I'm really, really starting to like being me.

All the loneliness, readiness, and longing have created an appetite for real freedom. I have sold myself short for a really long time and I am done with that. Last year did have a major accomplishment in whetting my sense of self. Who I am and what I am doing is getting clearer all the time. I made some tough decisions last year but have seen them validated. There are more ahead of me and I am wide eyed and ready to face them. Ready to let go of the baggage of the past. Ready to watch it burn.

This girl is on fire.

3 comments:

raggedaroundtheedges said...

You are on fire! Burn that old stuff and use the heat to fuel you the next year.

raggedaroundtheedges said...

You are on fire! Burn that old stuff and use the heat to fuel you the next year.

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