I know it's incredibly cliche to talk about the previous year and all it's trials as the new year begins. Normally it's a little like moving to me, or redecorating. I pack up all the old crap. Throw some away. Reevaluate the place and usefulness of the things in my life. I empty out space for the new. I spend time gazing upon the freshly cleared space and contemplate just what might make a home in those vacant areas. I get a little excited, daring to plan just a wee bit, that is until the good ole cynic in me starts screaming "Shut up" and sets things aright.That's the normal routine. This year I feel like I have been through a bout with the plague.
I don't want to rearrange anything. I don't want to sift through anything. I don't want to just throw those useless things out. I want to burn them like bodies full of disease that can't even be buried. I feel contaminated. I want to burn it all up and start over.
There's been some rough patches, though honestly I have faced worse in the past. I cannot understand where this feeling is coming from. My life, i.e. my emotional self, is chaotic right now. Why it is more chaotic than normal, who knows. However, I am learning that my education, growing, changing, and journey to really be me will never end. I like that. I could do without some of the lessons but I know the end result would change and I'm really, really starting to like being me.
All the loneliness, readiness, and longing have created an appetite for real freedom. I have sold myself short for a really long time and I am done with that. Last year did have a major accomplishment in whetting my sense of self. Who I am and what I am doing is getting clearer all the time. I made some tough decisions last year but have seen them validated. There are more ahead of me and I am wide eyed and ready to face them. Ready to let go of the baggage of the past. Ready to watch it burn.
This girl is on fire.